Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
