when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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