he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
