you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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