Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
