You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
