SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
