Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
