i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
