I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
