where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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