if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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