That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
