You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
