theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
