Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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