i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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