I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
