You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
false alarm, still single
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