Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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