We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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