I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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