weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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