i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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