You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
