dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
