Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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