Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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