she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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