Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my poor anus
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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