Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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