My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
50% drunk capacity currently
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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