See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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