Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
