you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
