There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
