did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He passed out mid-signature
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
