A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
