So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
