My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
