i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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