I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
