I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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