You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
