yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize