that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
