Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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