Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
