there's paper in my vomit.
I understand Curling. That high.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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