Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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