I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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