hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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