i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
