Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
