we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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