Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
