put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
is it fun? or sober?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
