I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
