Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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